Conversations with the mirror

Autumn

“You cut it much shorter this time.”

Yeah. I wanted to see how it would look.

“I didn’t think you’d ever give up your long hair. You spent forever growing it out.”

I kind of wanted to try something new.

“Well, it looks quite pretty, even if it’s shorter than you’re used to.”

Thanks. I kind of miss the long hair, though. 

Turning her head this way and that, she examines the layers of hair that now fall right below her chin. It will take a while for her to get used to this new reflection. It doesn’t look bad, necessarily. Something just feels a little off.

I probably should have asked someone else to cut the back. Oh well, I can trim that some other time.

—

“Back at it with cutting your own hair?”

Yes. It was supposed to be a quick trim, but I got a little carried away.

“Did you not like the bob?”

I mean, it was fine. I really didn’t mean to cut this much, but I don’t mind it. 

“You kind of look like a boy now.”

Do I?

She’s not sure if she wants to dwell on that. Although, her mirror was right about her looking like a boy. She knows that if her 15-year-old self saw her right now, she’d be distraught. That little girl would mourn the waist-length hair that she was always so eager to show off.

However, the girl sweeping chopped-up hair into a dustpan isn’t mourning. She dumps everything into the trashcan and plants herself in front of her mirror again. I bet no one will call me pretty when I look like this. She searches for some hint of emotion on her face — sadness, perhaps, or maybe disappointment.

Instead, she sees the beginnings of a smile.

Winter

“You look awfully pensive.”

That tends to happen when someone is questioning their identity.

“Oh?”

Well, here’s the thing, it’s not like I ever hated being a girl. I actually used to love pink and princesses and all those “girly” things. But lately, every time someone calls me a girl or uses she/her for me, it feels kind of wrong? I don’t really know what’s right. I don’t feel like a trans guy? But, I don’t feel like a cis girl, either?

“Trans guy and cis girl aren’t the only labels out there. You know that.”

Yeah, I do. I’m sure I’ll figure out the right words eventually.

“In the meantime, how about you get dressed?”

She grabs the first thing from her closet and it turns out to be her navy blue dress. It’s comfortable, not too long or too short and the neckline is quite flattering. She found it last year and adored how it looked.

Now, as she stares at her reflection, creases start to creep between her brows. Same dress, same build, except for some reason it didn’t look as good anymore. Tugging on the hem or adding a necklace did nothing to help.

Fuck this. 

She pulls on a pair of jeans and a baggy T-shirt.

That feels much better.

Spring

“Wow, you’re getting rid of a lot.”

Yeah. I haven’t worn any of these in months so there’s no reason to keep them.

“Aww, but you love that skirt.”

Well, I don’t love how every time I try to wear it, people automatically use she/her for me. 

“Does that mean you’re definitely not going by she/her anymore?”

Yes, I’m officially using just they/them now.

It was an easy decision for them to make. Lately, every she/her or “miss” or “hey ladies” has felt like needles stabbing into their ears. The few times they intentionally hid their chest with a binder or a shirt were the only moments where people actually used they/them.

If dressing more masculine is what it takes to not get misgendered, I am more than happy doing that.

Summer

You know, I fully expected them to comment on the hair, but it was still fucking awful having to sit through the whole thing.

“What did they say?”

Typical stuff: ‘Oh, I haven’t seen you in so long! Look at you. So grown up. But why cut your hair so short, huh? You looked so pretty with long hair. How will you get a boyfriend now?’

“Ah. Is that why you were screaming into your pillow?”

That and everything else. I just try so hard to present masculine and I pass sometimes which is more than I can ask for. Then, I come back home and everyone still treats me like I’m a girl. It feels like I can change my appearance all I want but I will only ever be a girl in other people’s eyes.

“What about in your eyes?”

What?

“What do you see when you look in the mirror?”

I don’t know? Myself?

“And do you like the self you are seeing right now?”

Yeah, I guess. I mean I do like this outfit I picked today.

“Yes. It is quite a nice outfit.”

I just wish people realized I’m wearing all this in a nonbinary way instead of just assuming I’m a tomboy.

“Does it matter if other people know?”

Does it not?

“That’s up to you. If you like how you look, isn’t that enough?”

They try to believe that it is.

—

So, how does it look?

“As your mirror, I am contractually obligated to say you look amazing. Although, I do have to point out it’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile that much while wearing a dress.”

I know, right? I really didn’t expect to love it as much as I did. It’s just such a pretty green and the material feels amazing and no it doesn’t hide my chest but I love how it makes me look and feel. Genuinely, I was speechless when I first tried it on.

“Aww, are you excited to wear it out?”

Honestly? I kind of am.

They are already imagining the different accessories they could pair with it. And, yes, wearing a dress means other people are definitely going to use she/her again. But, they don’t seem to mind as much as they used to. This time, femininity feels like an intentional choice they get to make rather than some expectation they have to fulfill. Wearing this dress brings such a surge of confidence and gender euphoria, and they want to hold on to these feelings just a little longer. 

Autumn again

“You cut much less of it this time.”

Yeah, I need it to grow out to get the right shape.

“I didn’t think you’d ever give up the boyish, not-quite-a-wolf-cut look you had. You kept that style for ages.”

I wanted to try something new. 

“Honestly, I’m surprised you went for longer hair. For a while, you hated getting perceived as a girl.”

I did back when I just came out. Now I don’t mind it as much.

“Oh?”

I feel like I’m finally giving myself permission to present more feminine if I feel like it. I’m still nonbinary even if my hair or my outfit is what most people would consider traditionally feminine. Plus, sometimes it’s fun to wear something “girly.”

“Well, I do have to say you look very pretty with this haircut.”

Thank you.

Turning their head this way and that, they examine the layers of hair that now fall right below their chin. It’s going to take a little while for them to adjust to this new look. Except, this time, the reflection in the mirror doesn’t look like a stranger.

It looks like me.

MiC Columnist Charlie Shang can be reached at shanghq@umich.edu

The post Conversations with the mirror appeared first on The Michigan Daily.