One of my hometown friends illuminated a startling truth of college life in a random text message on a Thursday night: The work-life-study balance is elusive. She pointed out that students can only practice a few major aspects of college life at a time, always sacrificing one for another at some point. Studying, working, developing professionally, maintaining physical wellness and cultivating a social life are all important, yet difficult to pursue simultaneously.
As I reflected on my own priorities, I realized that I often sacrifice social connections in exchange for the other important things in my life. In place of late-night parties or mid-afternoon tailgates with large friend groups, I reviewed my history notes at the Shapiro Undergraduate Library and walked through the Nichols Arboretum while listening to Taylor Swift. Due to declining multi-hour social events in my packed Google Calendar, I felt like I struggled to live the “best four years” of my life.
But my perspective on balance changed during these past few months. After a summer of chats by the coffee machine at work and chance encounters with high school acquaintances at the library, I reconsidered my rigid perception of a fulfilling college social life. I realized that there is no one way to have a social life. Frequent conversations (no matter how brief) are necessary parts of a vibrant social life, similar to how regular exercise is critical for physical health.
Now, while I agree with my friend that balancing social activities with the rest of college life is difficult, this task is not impossible. By engaging in more one-on-one conversations, we dismantle myths of the idyllic college social life and gain greater fulfillment from interacting with new perspectives.
Engaging with others is especially important in light of the loneliness epidemic. In a Gallup poll from last summer, nearly four in 10 of college students reported feeling lonely the day before. Many students struggle to reconcile their lives with refined Instagram feeds or romanticized movies, and the inability to reach this idyllic life compounds feelings of loneliness.
Small talk offers a solution. These brief interactions boost our mood and energy throughout the day and increase our feelings of happiness. Learning how to have a conversation with anyone is also important for raising morale and productivity in social and professional circumstances.
Given the benefits of small talk, we should seek opportunities on campus to break out of our shells and practice our conversation skills. Luckily, beginning-of-the-year festivities are a prime opportunity to practice. We can learn new information by talking with strangers and embracing chance encounters for further connection. To take advantage of the back-to-school excitement, we can challenge ourselves to talk to someone new every time we enter the dining hall or make a point to introduce ourselves to potential lecture friends.
While a cold reach-out can be awkward, placing ourselves in the right environment is key. Beyond the first few weeks of school, we can reach out to people in our clubs or text a friend who we have not seen in a while. We can also visit a restaurant in person instead of ordering in or watch a movie on the Diag instead of in our dorm room.
Even in environments that are not ripe for connection, we can still find opportunities to reach out. We all have classes or events that we do not look forward to attending, yet small talk helps us make the most of our situation. Others likely share our lack of enthusiasm and are open to a conversation, especially since most people find small talk to be more pleasant than they anticipate.
Although some people find these brief conversations to be excruciating, we can practice our skills and learn our personal discussion styles to access the benefits of connection without draining our social battery. Despite our different approaches to dialogue, the most important tenet is open-mindedness. We must lead with empathy and treat each conversation like a “treasure hunt.” Given the meaninglessness of asking “How are you?” and exchanging one-line responses, we should regard conversations as a fluid give-and-take and become aware of our roles to listen and provide robust responses ourselves.
To practice open-mindedness during conversations, we can sincerely compliment the other person and ask follow-up questions. For example, I enjoy complimenting someone else’s clothing and initiating a conversation about their personal style or favorite retailers.
When conversations stall, we can take keywords from what someone else says and parrot them back. This action demonstrates our active listening and often encourages the other person to share more of their experiences on the topic.
For introverts (myself included), preparing unique questions ahead of time can help move the conversation along. We can ask about someone’s favorite (or least favorite) professor at the moment or their latest culinary experience at the dining hall, and we can take notes from conversations to follow up about in the future.
However, some discussions just fizzle out. According to one study on social connections, researchers found that during 2% of conversations, both parties hope to stop talking at the same point and actually do so. Despite this mismatch, we can still practice open-mindedness by showing our appreciation for the conversation before leaving or inviting someone new to make the discussion more enjoyable for both parties. Even if our conversation did not end with a new friendship, our time was still worth it in terms of building our skills and feeling fulfilled.
Even though I enjoy making new connections, I am still anxious to reach out, as I often feel unsure whether someone has time to talk or fear outright rejection. However, most people actually want to talk to others; the main obstacle is the initial outreach. By creating my list of conversation starters and spending more time in third places, I hope to jump into this new year with the courage to start dialogues and the open-mindedness to cultivate genuine connections.
Although our Instagram feeds may show us photos of football games and house parties, the social fabric of our campus is woven with the individual conversations between us. Whether we walk to class with a new friend or compliment someone’s shirt at Target, we can craft a true culture of connection together.
Sarah Zhang is an Opinion Analyst who writes about gender, race and campus culture. She can be reached at sarzhang@umich.edu.
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