Don’t propose to me in public

If I ever decide to marry, my dream proposal would go something like this: My partner and I decide we’re ready for marriage, and together we shop for a ring. From then on I know a proposal is coming, but I don’t know when to expect it. Perhaps on my birthday or an anniversary, or maybe while doing mundane tasks like laundry or dishes. Alternatively (because I can be quite competitive), we would each buy rings and attempt to out-do each other with exciting surprise proposals.

No matter what, though, one thing remains the same: I want to be part of the decision-making process. Close friends and family may be there for the proposal and wedding, but the engagement is only between the two people who will tie the knot. When that decision is made, I want to be in my clearest state of mind, meaning no screaming crowds and no jumbotrons. Really, any kind of surprise public proposal is off the table.

Now, I don’t want to rain on someone else’s dream proposal parade. Of the times I witnessed a public proposal, I was happy to be there. From a proposal on the University of Virginia’s historic Lawn to a Harry Styles concert to a University of Michigan football game, there’s something beautiful about getting to share in that love and excitement. Still, all these proposals ended with a “yes.” If those being proposed to were caught by surprise without an immediate decision in mind, those situations probably wouldn’t have been as lovely. In order for a public proposal to truly work, it must be based on a prior and private agreement of the couple to become engaged.

Public proposals have seen a large boom in the internet age. Though private proposals remain popular with the majority of people, the prominence of a quiet, personal proposal has decreased from generation to generation. From flash mobs to movie trailers, Millennials and Generation Z are finding more and more creative ways to ask for a partner’s hand in marriage in front of a crowd.

On one hand, a public proposal can signify devotion. Setting up a large-scale display in order to ask for one’s hand in marriage is demanding, both monetarily and logistically. The proposer has to consider every little detail in creating the perfect proposal. Uncertainty of acceptance also adds to a public proposal’s zeal. The proposer puts themselves at risk of being rejected publicly, so the fact that they go for it anyway should indicate their assuredness that the intended will accept. All these ingredients come together to craft an offer that announces “I want to marry you,” before a crowd, the internet or even the rest of the world.

On the other hand, a public proposal can be a form of coercion. According to research from The Self and Well-Being Lab at the University of Victoria, public proposals are more likely to be rejected. Still, the person being proposed to feels considerable pressure to say “yes.” The researchers also note that many of the public proposal stories in the study described audiences who would encourage an affirmative answer or grow silent or hostile when the intended rejected the proposal.

A proposal on its own is a question or request, but a public proposal can stray in the direction of a demand. The decision to get engaged, when made between just the couple, is removed from immediate external pressure. A surprise public proposal, though, gives only the illusion of choice and dares the prospective spouse to turn down a lavish offer when all eyes are on them.

When it comes to breaking the manipulative public proposal script, we must recognize that the moment for a final decision should not come in front of a large crowd filming the ordeal with their phones and shouting “Say yes!” There are plenty of ways to go about this. For one, consider renting a space for just you and your partner. Maybe that means renting out your partner’s favorite restaurant for an evening or perhaps reserving a movie theater to watch your partner’s favorite movie.

As I mentioned earlier, you could also consider a double proposal. Particularly popular in the LGBTQIA+ community, a double proposal — sometimes also known as a “partnership proposal” — is when two partners propose to each other, whether at the same moment or at different times. This is certainly an equitable option that allows for all parties involved to agree, propose, say “yes” and exchange rings.

A private proposal doesn’t mean your engagement can’t be shared publicly, too. Even if you are someone who enjoys being a bit flashy, think of the possible benefits of planning ahead: You’ll be able to find the perfect ring, have enough time to get a manicure (if you so choose) and you can get engaged again and again in front of an audience. This comes with the added benefits of, for example, free food when you get engaged at a restaurant or other public venues.

Proposals and engagement are two old traditions, but that doesn’t mean you and your partner can’t find new ways to start the next phase of your relationship. What never goes out of style, though, is making sure that you and your partner are on the same page about your relationship. As college students, some of us will be making these big decisions in a short amount of time. The excitement of getting down on one knee or saying “yes” is of course exhilarating, but the communication and mutual agreement that comes beforehand is the most important part of all.

Audra Woehle is a Senior Opinion Editor who writes about identity, culture and the way we interact with each other and ourselves. She can be reached at awoehle@umich.edu.

The post Don’t propose to me in public appeared first on The Michigan Daily.


Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *